The Randomest Story Ever!
by fanficky-chicky
Summary: This is a completely random fic, I started writing it in eighth grade --back in 2005, you do the math-- so I sincerely apologize for the first few chapters. If you want the gold, read the parodies. The rest is UTTERLY ridiculous.
1. Chapter 1

**Do you really think i own them?**

**This is the product of me being very very very very hyper, its stupid has a lot of swearing but it was alabour of love and I had a lot of fun, so now know that it is going to be incredibly stupid please dont tell me in a review that it is stupid or awful, because i already know that. **

**The Randomest story ever!**

ok so like...umm right, um Ron loves Hermione, and Hermione loves ron and there all like messed in the head and they dont know how th other one feels. So right then umm, Luna, yeah Luna is all like "y dont u just do it already." and then Hermione makes that anime face with the lines and the huge sweat drop right and then Ron is all like "Huh...?" And Harry is all like "Its not that hard (A/N No pun intended -devious snicker-) just go in the bathroom and take ur pants off, me and Ginny did it just last week" and so then Ron was all pissed and was like "You fucked my sister!" and Harry was all like "Sure did." and Ron was all like "Im gonna kill you!"

Then Harry said "Chill man." and Ron like did for some stupid reason. So Hermione was still sitting there getting soaked by the giant sweat drop on the back of her head so she left to change into her dry robes, and when she came back everybody was gone except for Ron who had no shirt on and was all like "Like what you see?" and then Hermione was all like "I would if you hadnt said that so shut up stupid head." And then Ron was all sad so he started to cry and the Hermy was all like sad for him so she said "Awwww dont cry, just dont ever say something that stupid again." and then Ron was happy...A little _too_ happy if you know what I mean so Hermy was all like "Piss off you ruddy prat" and then his hapiness went away and Luna poked her head into the compartment and said "Did you do it yet?"

And Hermy was like "No" and Ron was all like "Almost" and then Ron looked at Hermy and then Hermy looked at Ron and Ron looked at Luna and Luna looked at Hermione and then this sentence got confusing so I was all like screw it. and then Luna was all like "Who are you?" and I was all like "I know you are but what am I?" and then her head exploded and i was all like "Holy Shit." and Hermione was all like "Language" and I was all like "Fuck off" and then her head exploded and then Ron cried and then Ginny came in and saw the headless corpses and was all like "Duuuuuuuuuuuuuude" and then I was like "I know you are but what am I?" and then her head exploded too.

And then Harry came in and was all like "What happened to the chicks?" And then I cleared my throat and he was all like "Sweet" and then we made out the end.

**-Does a dance then scratches a closet-**


	2. Luna and Neville

**I think I'll just add a chapter to this when im bored...**

**I dont own them u kno the drill**

**Ok, these are ficlets so, -FLASH-BANG-BOOM- NEW PLOT LINE!**

Ok...so..um Neville is really shy right so nobody really knows him WHICH IS STUPID BECAUSE HE IS AWESOME. So Luna isnt shy right? So lets put them together (which was gonna happen anyway) and watch their dialogue.

Neville:Hi oh -fumbles- oh no -generally acts clumsy-

Luna:Why doesnt anyone pay very much attention to us?

Neville:Because oh dear -more clumsiness- we're the second hand -befuddlement- comic relief.

Luna:Well thats odd, because there have been refferences to my possibly slightly tragic past, u kno because i can see thestrals.

Neville:Yes but you seem to have witnessed horrors and not come out of them all brooding and depressing -loses toad- AND THAT IS WHY I LOVE YOU!

Luna: -points- Theres a toad on your head.

Neville: TREVOR!

Luna:Sheesh even I'm not THAT out of it...


	3. GoF Movie Parody

**Omg omg -random urge to write weird crap-**

**Ok here is a little parody of the fourth movie:**

HARRY:OMG i shit myself from that dream, and now we're at the quidditch world cup, and now its over, an now im passing out, and now theres a creepy dude and the dark mark and now we're at hogwarts, and now the Durmstrang guys and Beauxbroads are here...wow that all happened really fast.

RON:-oggles asses-

HERMIONE AND GINNY: -rolls eyes-

DUMBLEDORE:Triwizard-glory-and-shit

WEASLEY TWINS:Wicked

DUMBELDORE: But you cant cause ur too young

WEASLEY TWINS: Fuck you!

-------------------------

DUMBELDORE:WTF! HARRY DID YOU PUT YOUR FUCKING NAME IN THAT FUCKING CUP? BECAUSE IF YOU DID I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL--

HARRY:No no i didnt! But i shit myself again because of your weird mood swing just now.

**-------------------------------**

RITA SKEETER:-is annoying-

--------------------------

HARRY:Take that you bitchass dragon!

---------

RON:Shit we need dates,

FRED:-NOTE-Dear Ron, you're such a loser, im going to taunt you with my superior wooing skills.

RON:Shit, Harry your a boy, Hermione your a girl, omg wanna go to the ball with me?

HERMIONE:Fred's right, you are a loser, besides i got a date. HAHA pwned!

RON:My life has turned to shit.

SNAPE:Sure has, and now im going to pwn you! HAHA.

----------------

VIEWERS:Holy shit, did Maxime just eat a beetle out of his beard -shudder- -retch-

--------------------------

CEDRIC:-unaware of iminent death- yo harry!

HARRY: What?

CEDRIC: You're a dirty dirty filthy boy right?

HARRY:Beg pardon?

CEDRIC:Well being the dirty, filthy, sexy boy you are i think you should take a bath in the prefects bathroom.

HARRY:O...k

----------------------------------------

HARRY:-takes off clothes-

ME AND MY FRIENDS:Wooooooooot! OH YEAH TAKE IT OFF SEXY BOY!

GAY TEEN VIEWERS:-erection-

MYRTLE: Oh Harry, Cedric took longer to figure it out...almost all the bubble had completely gone -giggle-

HARRY:-gathers bubbles-

--------------------------------------------

MAZE:-is ominous-

---------------------------------------

CEDRIC:-dead-

HARRY:shit

VOLDEMORT:Ah, let me caress his face with my foot

HARRY:Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiick

---------------------------------------------------

VOLDEMORT: Now I call my Death Eaters to me. Lucius, I know that's you, I can see your flowing platinum locks from under your mask.  
LUCIUS: Er, if I had just caught one whiff of your cologne, my lord...  
VOLDEMORT: Liar. I called your house and you said 'I'm sorry, this is Mallory's Pizza Parlour' and hung up. Bitchass.

----------------------------------------------------

And thats all the weird shit i feel like writing so sod off as a friend of mine would say.


	4. A lesson, and some weird shit

**Wow, Random crap urge again, really close together lately...**

**Because SOME people didnt read my first authors note i must repeat.: its stupid has a lot of swearing but it was alabour of love and I had a lot of fun, so now know that it is going to be incredibly stupid please dont tell me in a review that it is stupid or awful, because i already know that. **

**To one person who said my previous chapter was "RETARED" (yes that is how they spelt it) I believe that you are the "RETARED" one. However, this one is dedicated to you. (By the way i will purpously spell "Retarded" incorrectly for you as well.)**

Harry was walking down the road (because i could not think of a better thing for him to be doing) when he spotted a completely RETARED Fanfiction reviewer. He walked up to the RETARED reviewer and gave them a longwinded speech about respecting Authors choices and not making pointless reviews just to tell them that their ficky is bad. After he was finished he spotted a very attractive author (moi) and began to passionately make out with her. The end.

**TO ALL THOSE WHO THOUGHT THAT WAS A REAL FIC, I laugh at you foolishness. I would not waste an entire update on teaching someone a lesson.**

Twas a lovely day on yonder field of hogwarts. A sleepy Harry lay daydreaming of defeating Voldemort alongside his bestest buddy a carton of eggnog. Though Harry was best friends with the carton of eggnog he often got the feeling that there was some thing it was not telling him. But then one day Harry got very very very very very thirsty and accidentily drank all the innards of his friend. So i guess he would never know its secret (pppppppsssssstttt, -It was in love with harry--)

Because that opening was comletely irrelevant the author has decided to go in a completely different direction (sorta).

Dobby:TTTTTTTTTTTRRRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL IN THE DUNGEONS!

Harry:Sorry dobby thats already happened

Dobby:Terribly sorry.-CRACK-

Ron:Is it just me or whenever i read about aparating i always get side tracked thinking about arses?

Hermione:Because of the "Crack" sound?

Ron:What about it?

Harry:-dies laughing-

Hermone:You've killed Harry!

Filch:-Runs weirdily towards them- You've killed my cat!

Harry:Sorry thats already happened too.

Ron:What the fuck I thought you were dead?

Harry:Oh right, Sorry, -dies-

Hermione:Well if that isnt the weirdest shit...


	5. Twas Hogwarts

**O, M, F, G another random crap urge! Perhaps i am actually stalling because my other Fic is frustrating me -ponders-**

Twas the night before Christmas,

And all through Hogwarts,

Not a creature was stirring,

Not even the boggarts.

The misteltoe was hung,

In the corridors with care,

In hopes that Ron and Hermione,

Would soon be there. (Yes, I am a Ron/Hermione shipper)

All the students slept,

Nestled snug in their beds,

As visions of sugar quills,

Danced in their heads.

When out in the lake,

there arose such a clatter,

They all jumped out of bed,

to see what's the matter.

Away to the windows they ran,

Or on broomsticks took flight,

To see what was happening,

Try as they might.

When, what to their wandering eyes should appear?

The Giant squid, and 5 death eaters!

They fought quite well,

So lively and acrylic (like I said, random crap)

I knew that I,

Must do something quick.

So I found Harry Potter,

That smashing good chap,

And woke him from,

His slumbering nap.

So up he sprung,

through the chimney with glee,

Off to fight bad guys,

SMEE SMEE SMEE!


	6. Limericks LemonLime XD

**-hums absent mindedly- … Oh hello there. **

**Don't own it fool. Respect.**

**Your reviews make me happy, my other fic is pretty much in the loo at the moment so well… yeah it's turning to crap before my eyes. Anyway, let ze shite commence.**

Bunch 'o limericks I is inclined to be writing yes?

Harry was quite a good seeker.

In potions he had to use beakers. ( we like so totally have to do that in science –dies-)

He caught the snitch

And paid the bitch

So he could have a peeker.

Neva said it would be a clean limerick : ) Its not my fault snitch rhymes with bitch so nyeh! –sticks out tongue-

Marge blew up

Pup pup pup

And out the window she flew.

Why her dear brother

And dudley's mother

Could both see up her skirt.

Not a limerick but pft. Sod off.

You know what? I need another movie to parody. 'Cause I'm good at writing that shit.

Gah

Pft

SPALOOY

POOFTER

SHACKA LACKA SWISH

-tumble weed-

Why are you still here?

Oh that's right.

Because I am all powerful and this is somehow entrancing to you!

MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

-cough-

-is addicted to the return key-

ROCKS FALL AND EVERYONE DIES.

-pants- Ok –breath- I'm done.

STUPID THING WONT LET ME DO WHAT I WANT DIE STABA GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!#12PRJENGRNG;LKGNALG J

- ANGSTYNESSTION BAAAAAAAAAAAAH-

CURSE IT

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FU

SHIT THIS PIECE OF CRAP FUCKING DICKHEADS COCK SUCKING MAGGOTS LET ME HAVE MY FUCKING SPACES YOU SON OF A BITCH!

-posts this for some reason-


	7. ZE DRUGZ

**(A/N): Yo, yo, yo, dis is Sasa and Leechie. Jo's door makes yall hyper. So we're going to write a story on my piece of shit computer.(leechie's Computer) (Its shit you know )**

Yo so there was like this dude named Harry yo. And he was like "DAAAAAMMMMMN, I'm Like that Dude who is ALIVE!"

And then Hermione was like. "Harry, I think you need to lay off the drugs."

And Ron was all like "NOOOOO! Then he won't bring ME drugs, and that is not cool man."

And so then Snape pops out of nowhere and is like, "NOOOOOOO! I DON'T WANT TO BE RAPED."

By James that is. HE IS SUCH A RAPIST.

Anyways, back to the drugs.

Harry got them from SIRIUS. WHO'S VACATIONING IN THE TROPICS. FOR YOUR INFORMATION.

SIRIUS DRINKS OUT OF COCONUTS. THEY'RE BROWN. AND FUZZY.

SUGGESTIVE? NOOOOO…

So right, Harry, was like totally triiiiiiiippppiin. Like maaaaaaaaaad trippin. Like seeing giant flooberworms trippin.

That's pretty fucking high.

So Ron was like, "Pass me some 'o dat drugs YO"

And Hermione was like, "Your British, why are Talking like that?"

And Ron was like "This is just how people talk when they get high"

THREE HOURS LATER.

Hermione was like "DUUUUUUUUUUUUDE. YOU ARE SO RIGHT ABOUT THAT HIGH TALKING THING LIKE YOU SAID MANNNNN!"

Sirius: I love coconuts! I'M NOT DED! PULL ME OF THE BIG FREAKING CURTAIN.

Harry: Do you hear something?

Hermione: You mean like a cry of hysteria from a dude on an island drinking from coconuts? No, I don't hear anything.

-

**AN Hokay, you read it, you can't unread it. NOW REVIEW OR I KEEL YOU WITH MY BIG FREAKING CURTAIN. If you do review you get a free fuzzy coconut. Aren't I just so nice… and non-violent?**


	8. Ootp Parody

Just as an introduction I would like to explain that this is infact a parody, it is not meant to be offensive, and you should not expect it to be particularly brilliant. However, I may get lucky in that respect.

WARNING: This parody contains slashy implications and possibly inappropriate language - Read at your own risk. (If you need a definition of "slashy" just go to and look it up.)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Harry Potter and a Bunch of Flaming Feathery Things

Sun: MUAHAHAHA See Harry? I'm magical too, I can make ALL THE GRASS IN ALL THE LAND BROWNER THAN YOUR INACURATELY BROWN HAIR!

Harry: -swings- -is depressed-

Dudley: omg u r so emo cuz ur parents and ur bf are deadeded

Harry: -whips out wand- (suggestive? no...)

BING BAM BOOM

DARK SKY

RAIN

DEMENTORS

PATRONUS

SQUIB

ICE CREAM

EXPELLEDEDED... or not?

Vernon: TO THE HOSPITAL WITH DIDDY-KINS!

Order Members: -show up-

WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE FLYING INTERLUDE

-------------------------------

Hermione: HARRY! -hugs-

Ron:-evil eye-

Harry: WTF IZGOINON?

Hermione: Dumbledore made us pinky swear we wouldn't tell...

Fred and George: -apparate- Yo Harry we heard you bein' all caps back there.

Me and Em: -sob-

-------------------------------

Mr Weasley: -wobbles on escalator-

-

OMG MINISTRY

Lucius: And then you just add water and you've got an instant flower bed!

Fudge: And it really works you say? Wow, I guess I'll have to-

Mr Weasley: -glare-

-INSERT HEARING HERE-

--------------------------------------

SKIP SKIP SKIP A WHOLE BUNCH OF STUFFFF

--------------------------------------

Harry: Wtf Voldemort in a suit?

Voldemort: What? Don't you like it? Come on! Its Armani!

--------------------------------------

Umbridge: -is generally sadistic and horrible-

--------------------------------------

Harry: -writhes while sweaty in bed for a good 10 minutes-

Harry: -wakes up-

Ron: -stares- You know, it really is common courtesy to do that with the curtains closed.

Harry: -blink-

Ron: Nevermind.

-------------------------------------

SKIP SKIP SKIP

-------------------------------------

Hermione: D.A. TIME!

Harry: 

People: There are lots of us, more than Harry expected.

Hermione: ZOMG YAY BREAKING RULES

Ron: -blink- -wonders if this new Hermione would be more willing to go out with him-

Hermione: omg Harry, Cho totally likes you.

Harry: -grin-

Ginny: -SUBTEXT SUBTEXT SUBTEXT GOD DAMN IT SO MUCH FUCKING SUBTEXT-

-------------------------------------

YAY YAY YAY

WE ARE IN THE DA

WE CAST A SPELL

AND THEN RAISE HELL

TO MAKE THE MINISTRY PAY!

--------------------------------------

Mistletoe: -grows-

- INSERT AWKWARD HANDS AT THEIR SIDES KISS HERE-

--------------------------------------

Harry-Snake: DIE DIE DIE

Harry: ZOMG RON'S DAD

-------------------------------------

(Dumbledore's office)

Snape: -comes out of nowhere- You wanted to see me?

Audience: wtf? Did Snape just come out of a closet? (suggestive...?)

Snape: -drags a sweaty Harry roughly down to the dungeon- You would not last a second if the Dark Lord attempted to penetrate your mind.

Me and Em: -stifles laughter with great effort-

-OCCLUMENCY LESSONS-

Snape:Control your emotions!

Harry: We've been at it for hours if I could just have some time to rest...

Me and Em: -uncontrollable laughter-

-------------------------------------

ZOMG CHRISTMASSSS

Sirius: -wink-

Harry: -blink-

Sirius: -raises eyebrow-

Harry: -starting to feel violated-

Sirius: You know, you are /so/ much like your father... With his rugged good looks and his stocky build. His strong chin and toned chest...

Harry: -backs away slowly-

Em: -sob- sirius... oh sirius...

BACK TO SCHOOL NOW PPLS

-----------------------------------

Neville: -divulges deep personal secrets-

Harry: -empathizes-

Mistletoe: -grows-

Harry: Wtf? Does it just always do that?

OMG DA DISCOVERED

DUMBLEDORE GONE

UMBRIDGE HEADMISTRESS

-RANDOM KID IN THE RAIN-

SNAPES WORST MEMORY

NO MORE OCCLUMENCY

MORE WRITHING

OMG ITS GRAWP

Grawp: -snatches Hermione-

Ron: -EVIL GLARES OF JEALOUSY-

Hermione: Put me down… NOW.

Grawp: -puts down- -give Hermione a piece of a bike-

Ron: -thinking: Damn it I should have thought of that!-

OMG O.W.L.'S

OMG FRED -sob- AND GEORGE PWN UMBRIDGE

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY

HARRY –FAINTS-

Harry: OMG SIRIUS.

SKIP SKIP SKIP SKIP SKIP

WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE DEPARTMENT OF MYSTERIES

Harry: woo shiny glowy ball.

Lucius: give me the shiny glowy ball!

Harry: NO. Its MY shiny glowy ball!

Bellatrix: you silly rabbit, trix are for kids!

Harry: What?

Bellatrix: My name has the word 'trix' in it –random-

Lucius: Anyways…. GIVE ME THE FUCKING SHINY BALL BITCH.

Bellatrix: Bitch rhymes with snitch.

Lucius: shuddup.

EPIC FIGHT SCENE

OMG DEAD SIRIUS

I HATE YOU, BIG FUCKING CURTAIN

AND I HATE YOU TOO BELLATRIX

CRUCIO.

Voldemort: -licks Harry's ear-

Harry: Dude. That is not cool. Ignorant parents are going to bring their little kids to this thinking it is a kids movie.

MORE EPIC BATTLEING (sp?)

Harry: -is possessed-

SKIP SKIP SKIP SKIP SKIP SKIPPY. … PEANUT BUTTER mmmmmm…

Harry: It's all my fault…

Dumbledore: The fault is mine.

Harry: … and I'm fat…

Dumbledore: No you're not…

Harry:-crying now- YES IT IS, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAAAAND ME!

Dumbledore: 

Harry: We have something Voldemort doesn't… Something worth fighting for.

Ron: Like what? Like finally having a real girlfriend?

Harry: no…

Ron: Ohhhhh, you mean like losing your vir—

Hermione: -hits Ron- NO. Like FRIENDSHIP, AND LOVE. … dumbass…

Ron: Well you didn't have to hit me….-secretly cherishes the spot where she hit him-

…

…

….

…

…

Brendon: WUT WUT WUT WUT BRITISH ACCENTS?

Sarah: wtf does this have to do with anything, Alicia!

Alicia: sh, let the emo speak.

Brendon: WUT WUT WUT WUT WUT.

Sarah: Delete it.

Alicia: No.

Snape: -pops outta no where- Whoa. That's one hot girl.

Ryan: IM NOT A GIRL.

Brendon: wuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut…?

Ryan: shut it.

Brendon: bite me.

Alicia: -stifles her laughter-

Ryan: We aren't even in this fandom wtf?

Brendon: but I'm talking in a britsh accent…

Ryan: means jack shit.

Brendon: Ryan… you have a wand?

Ryan: -palmface-

Alicia: wut else could I write?

Sarah: JUST END THE FUCKING SCENE.

Alicia: wait…

Brendon: wut!

Alicia: kay im done… /scene.


End file.
